I'm sure any one of us has faced problems when using an ATM machine. There could have been no more receipt paper, your card could have been captured for no apparent reason, the cash was stuck at the cash dispenser before it could come out and/or the machine just shut down when it saw you approaching.
Thus, I've created a guide where you could improve your relationship with your ATM machine to ensure smooth and successful transactions in the future.
Disclaimer: Try it at your own risk and reputation. There is no damage compensation for following this guide.
The Guide:
Setting up:
Choose a time and place at night where you and your ATM machine will not be interrupted by other patrons. Make sure you clean your card squeaky before you visit your ATM machine, for hygiene reasons.
Once you are ready emotionally and physically:
- Stand in front of your ATM machine.
- Take your card slowly and carefully out of your trousers, so nobody would see it.
- Dip in your card in the slot in a smooth motion and take it out to begin.
- Repeat the steps of dipping it in and taking it out continuously.
- However, slow down when you begin to hear annoying beeps from your ATM machine; you wouldn't want your card to be taken away from you.
- Enjoy!
Once you are ready emotionally and physically:
- Stand in front of your ATM machine.
- Take your card slowly and carefully out of your trousers, so nobody would see it.
- Dip in your card in the slot in a smooth motion and take it out to begin.
- Repeat the steps of dipping it in and taking it out continuously.
- However, slow down when you begin to hear annoying beeps from your ATM machine; you wouldn't want your card to be taken away from you.
- Enjoy!
Understanding Parts of an ATM Machine:
The picture above illustrates the various parts of an ATM machine.
The list below explains how to tell when it's time.
1) A**hole (or commonly known as the card slot)
Dip your card in and take it out.
2) Sensual areas (or commonly known as the number pad)
It's the only part where you can touch and savor its texture to your heart's content legitimately. Every button pronounces the same 'beep' so you need to practice often so that you don't forget what makes your ATM machine happy.
3) V*g**a (or commonly known as the currency box)
Currency notes are kept in there until you visit your ATM machine. The amount you get at the end of a session depends on how you pamper your ATM machine.
4) Sweet spot (as seen graphically)
You'll hear endless purrs as your ATM machine flips the notes for you sensually. Talk about seduction.
5) Dead End (or commonly known as reject box)
This is where your cash will be if you push your ATM machine too hard. It will choke and your cash will be retained in the machine before you see it.
6) Org**m (or commonly known as the cash dispenser)
You know you've done it right when you see the notes flapping at you wantonly.
You know you've done it right when you see the notes flapping at you wantonly.
7) Tissue Box (or commonly known Receipt Printer)
Take one and clean yourself up as you weep for the fact that you've decreased your savings once again.
Wrap-up:
Give yourself a pat on the back if you've read through the whole guide. I thank you very much for your patience, you an*l pervert.
Picture source: Bustathief.com is a useful site in educating the public on ATM Machine Fraud and has nothing to do with this guide.
Mayora Gori: Thanks for the insight into the mind of those STOMP readers.
Mayora Gori: Thanks for the insight into the mind of those STOMP readers.
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